Everyone is Much More Concerned with Themselves Than They Are About You

I promise

By the Water (Near the Lake), Pierre-Auguste Renoir (1880)

A few months ago, my friend Shannon Thrace asked me and others what advice we would give to our younger selves. The first thing that popped into my head was, “Everyone is much more concerned with themselves than they are about you!”

And there’s a good reason it popped into my head. You see, when I turned 30, I told myself to stop being insecure. Have I been perfect at following my own directive? No! But it has certainly helped in situations where I could have overthought and obsessed. Of course, it’s one thing to tell yourself to stop something and another to actually do it, so to help myself out I also repeat some variation of what I told Shannon.

Like most normal humans, I have dealt with some anxiety in my life. It was particularly harsh when I was a teenager, as it is for most regular teenagers. A lot of it, as it typically does, came from worrying that people were judging me in one way or another, usually as weird or awkward. I’ve never been one to overly ruminate, but I could still get caught up on less-than-graceful things I did or said and feel like I was dying a little inside.

And then I realized that pretty much everyone is doing the same thing. Maybe in the moment that I uttered words that made no sense, the person I was talking to was worrying about how their hair looked that day. Maybe they went home and thought, “Oh god, why did I make that weird joke?” If I was doing it, then, well, most other people were probably doing it too.

Is this true all the time? Of course not. People judge each other. We all do it. But the bottom line remains that people are probably scrutinizing you a lot less than you think they are because they are using a lot of energy scrutinizing themselves.

For me, realizing this meant I could relax. Sure, at the end of the day, I think we all ideally shouldn’t care so much about what other people think. But at the same time, it’s healthy to want to make a good impression and have positive interactions, so I don’t think we should let that go entirely.

What we can probably safely do is realize that everyone doesn’t care about us as much as we think. And this is a good thing! It’s liberating once you truly internalize the idea.

That’s why it’s very sad to me that so many of today’s social movements—because they are based on victimhood—teach pretty much the opposite. What these movements tell you is that everyone else is out to get you. But, in reality, everyone would have to care about you so much more than they really do to always be out to get you.

The trans movement is a great example of this. So many of the people caught in its grasp rely entirely on the active participation of others to have a sense of self and to protect their egos. Gender identity is, as I have written before, a completely externalized locus of control. For example, when someone doesn’t use the pronouns you demand, it must mean they hate you. In reality, they are likely confused, have forgotten, or have a conscientious objection to the practice that has nothing to do with hating you as a person.

The same thing happens with people who make their sexual orientation or a medical/psychiatric diagnosis their entire personality. If others don't approach them in a way that fits the script in their head, they can feel victimized even when the other person meant no harm and really wasn't thinking much about them at all.

There are times in my life I could have done this, in particular the times I've been asked if I have a boyfriend or a husband. I could bristle at the horrible homophobe asking the question or be incredulous that they didn't read my short hair as obviously lesbian! Or, I could understand, as I have, that the person is placing their bets on the most likely scenario and is just trying to have a normal human conversation. The mental toll it would take to constantly think of the ways I might not fit their average assumptions is not something I can fairly ask of anyone.

And yet this kind of constant vigilance and obsessive care is exactly what many trans-identified people ask of others. They want others to read their hair, makeup, and fashion choices and discern if they are trying to “present” as a man, a woman, non-binary, or a million labels in between, or to at least ask in exactly the right way. They believe that people are constantly scrutinizing them as much as they are scrutinizing themselves and so, if those people read their “gender presentation” wrong, then it must be for nefarious reasons.

But everyone is much more concerned with themselves, as they should be to the extent that it doesn't edge over into self-obsession and narcissism. Another way to say this, I suppose, is: you are not the center of anyone else's universe. And this is good, and it should set you free.

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