I'm a Lesbian - My Wife and I Are Desperate Not to Be Mistaken for Queers

My wife works in a public-facing role, and once in a while when talking to regular clients, she does tell them about her wife and her baby. Whenever this happens, she comes home and tells me that she isn't worried about them now disliking her due to old-fashioned homophobia but because they'll think she is a radical progressive with bespoke pronouns—essentially, she's worried they'll think she is queer, in the political and ideological sense.

Her little way of hinting that she's not is to always make sure to call clients Sir or Ma'am. She's sure she'll get in trouble one day when she Sirs or Ma'ams the wrong person.

We have recently moved, and we run into the same issue as we introduce ourselves to our new neighbors. It is wonderful to be able to tell people, “Hello, nice to meet you, I have just moved in next door with my wife and my baby!” but again, we are worried this will lead to assumptions about our political beliefs, or that neighbors will feel like they have to walk on eggshells around us lest we accuse the most some kind of obscure bigotry.

We have been together for a very long time and we've moved around a lot, so I wondered recently why we had previously never had these worries. I think it's because the last time we moved into a brand-new neighborhood was in 2020. Those 5 years ago, most regular people were not yet aware of what trans and queer activists were really doing. They just thought that trans was some kind of Gay Plus, they hadn't heard the term “preferred pronouns” yet, they didn't know that men were demanding access to women's sports teams, prisons, and rape shelters, and they didn't know that kids in schools were already being taught that humans could change sex and that maybe they were really the opposite sex depending on their interest in toys, clothes, and hairstyles.

Back then, we simply felt accepted thanks to the goodwill that the gay rights movement had created.

But a lot has changed in these past five years, and gender ideology is part of the mainstream conversation now. More and more people are aware of trans and queer activists as well as of their insane demands. But many don't realize that this movement parasitized and cannibalized the gay rights movement, subverting its rallying cry from “born this way” to “born in the wrong body.” The horrific LGBTQIA+ initialism does not help that “gay,” “trans,” and “queer,” are muddled into one big ball of rainbow goop in many people's minds.

From ‘Born This Way’ to ‘Born in the Wrong Body’

Don't get me wrong—we do still feel accepted despite all of this. Nobody has been anything but kind to us. This fear of what they might think has not actually been born out in the world to any serious extent. I do however think that if I worked outside the home, it would be more common. During my pregnancy, for example, I had one doctor who couldn't seem to bring herself to say “woman” in my presence. It was all “pregnant people” this and “pregnant people” that. Granted, I found her signature on a petition against the UCP’s trans-related policies, so she probably just talks that way. But then there was the nurse who referred to me as “they” while I was in labor. Somehow, I doubt she does that to most women, and she was probably going off my short hair. (I do want to note, however, that she was a wonderful nurse otherwise.)

And this is exactly what we don't want. We don't want people to think that just because we are two women in a relationship, that we are somehow confused or in denial about the fact that we are women. We don't want them to think we require special language, and we don't want people to fear that we would be quick to cry bigotry and discrimination if our “genders” or “pronouns” are assumed.

In short, we don't want people to think we require special treatment—we just want to be treated like everyone else. As I wrote recently on X, all I ever wanted was to carve out my little space in life and to increase the love in the world in the way I am capable of.

Our approach to life isn't informed by critical theories, we aren't crying about how oppressed we are (because we are not), we aren't trying to queer the children through Drag Queen Story Hours (what the hell is a “queer kid,” anyway?), and we aren't trying to pretend we aren’t women. That's kind of the whole point of being lesbians: that we are both women.

I do think that most people see that, and I think the sensible ones are quite happy to come across lesbians who just seem… normal. And that's all we want to be. Queerness is about subversion; we're very much into assimilating. We're a little different, yes, and I don't mind a bit of acknowledgment and celebration for the challenges that gay people as a group have overcome. But everyone is different in their own way. Putting those differences at the forefront of our daily lives like the trans and queer movement would have us do is not what we are about.