Behind the Looking Glass—Giving Voices to Trans Widows Who Everyone Needs to Hear

Vaishnavi Sundar is doing important work

This post is long overdue, but for something this important, “better late than never” truly does apply. Behind The Looking Glass is a documentary film about women who have been impacted by a partner’s “trans” identity. It also explores the impact that these men and their choice to transition have on their children.

The documentary was created by Vaishnavi Sundar, a woman who I have endless respect for. I am so glad she decided to take on this topic. In fact, this was the first documentary ever about trans widows—a term that many of these women have adopted to illustrate the seriousness of their situation.

Behind The Looking Glass premiered on August 30, 2024. I watched it almost as soon as it came out, but this was late into my pregnancy and I didn’t feel at the time that I could give it the reflection it deserved. More recently, I have had the pleasure of watching it again. You should too, if you haven’t already. It is available in its entirety on YouTube (or simply click ‘play’ below).

I think the voices of trans widows are some of the most important in this debate. In the past, I have had the pleasure of reading 18 Months: A Memoir of a Marriage Lost to Gender Identity by Shannon Thrace (who took part in this documentary). I even got to interview her. I have also interviewed and written the devastating story of a Canadian trans widow whose ex-husband acted in all of the same shocking and narcissistic ways as those in Behind The Looking Glass.

And this is why this documentary is so crucial—it exposes how these men, who are often celebrated for finding their “true selves” actually treat and impact the lives of those closest to them. It does this by allowing these women simply to speak and tell their stories in their own words, which was a fantastic choice by Vaishnavi. Hearing them recount their experiences is visceral and impactful. Any staunch trans activist who could listen to their stories and not admit that there is something else happening here besides true and honest “trans women” finding their real selves is so thoroughly ideologically captured they have no hope of salvation.

Interspersed with these stories are interviews with various speakers and experts well-known to those who are familiar with these topics. For example, Vaishnavi spoke to sexologist Ray Blanchard, who coined the term “autogynephilia,” which refers to a man’s attraction to himself as a woman. This term and this phenomenon describe what is happening with the husbands of trans widows. These men have, essentially, destroyed their relationships and their families in sexual pursuit of “the woman inside.”

Vaishnavi also spoke to writer Helen Joyce. In one particularly poignant section, Joyce explains:

You know, when there's a corner where the wind blows and all the leaves collect there? I think those marriages where the man transitions and the woman doesn't want to play along with it—that's where the worst things in this whole mess get tangled up and held, in that woman's inability or refusal to deny everything about herself and everything about her life. Because, you know, she matters too. She's a human being too. She has a story too. And yet that's all regarded as secondary. She's just a supporting actress. You know, this man has been on this hero's journey. He's reinvented himself. He's come out like a Phoenix or a butterfly or something like that. And he's now this beautiful woman, and there's this fucking bitch who is saying, no, that's not my story. This is my story, too. You know, I married a man, you fathered my children, and she has to be silenced.

Joyce’s words ring truer and truer as you listen to the rest of the testimony in the film. Trans widows’ experiences are like a microcosm of the abuse dynamics that play out between the trans movement and the rest of society. In fact, it becomes obvious that what is happening in the world is just domestic abuse writ large, and these women and families are the ones who bear the brunt of it on a personal level.

What Behind The Looking Glass does so well and what makes it such an important documentary is that it highlights the extreme levels of narcissism that drive these men. Yes, they are driven by a sexual fetish but, at the end of the day, it is a fetish that revolves around themselves. These men fall in love—or rather lust—with “the woman inside” who, ultimately, is just themselves in some makeup and women’s clothing. This is what makes them so destructive to everyone around them. The pursuit of their fetish denigrates all others, particularly their wives and partners, into objects to aid their sexual fantasy in various ways, whether it’s through validating them as “women” or demanding sex acts from their wives that will make them feel like a “woman.”

It’s certainly not easy listening, but it is important to know what goes on in these relationships in order to get a full picture of the motivations and actions of men who “transition.” Hearing what these women have gone through is heartbreaking, especially when there are children involved. In fact, it is often when women are pregnant or have just given birth that their husbands suddenly announce their trans identities, reinforcing that they are driven not just by a sexual fetish but by a deep and malevolent narcissism. They just can’t stand that the attention is not on themselves because they are the main object of their own affection.

Thankfully, viewers are left feeling hopeful that many of these women have at least found support and oftentimes community with each other. Simply sharing their experiences and hearing the experiences of others has helped them regain a sense of reality after years of gaslighting and abuse. While what they have gone through is hard to imagine, I am thankful that all of them are rid of the selfish men who were content to sacrifice their own wives for the fake women they wanted to become.

Finally, I can’t fail to mention the beautiful way that this film is animated. While the core of its message lies in the stories that one is meant to hear, the visuals on the screen also keep you engaged with those who are speaking. Some women show up on video talking to an animated Vaishnavi, while others show up as animated versions of themselves. I really enjoyed this part of the documentary and felt that it helped me connect with the speakers more than if I was only hearing them.

So please, if you haven’t already, do be sure to check out Behind The Looking Glass and be sure to share it. As an added bonus, Vaishnavi has also been releasing the full stories of the women she talked to, which I think is a brilliant choice on her part. I highly recommend listening to all of them as well.

There is some good content out there now that explores gender ideology through many different lenses, but Behind The Looking Glass is a rare gem in its focus on some of the voices that most desperately need to be heard yet too often are not. I believe it has the power to open the eyes of those who still aren’t fully aware of the forces driving the trans movement, and it does so simply by giving some of the women who have been the most affected by it a voice.