Don't Ask People to Cancel Themselves for You

Own your spicy takes

It’s a volatile online world out there, and facing off against a cancellation mob can be incredibly difficult psychologically. Sometimes, like in my case, you don’t even know it’s getting to you until one day it does. It can be tempting to want your friends to join you—and good friends should obviously stick by you. I value loyalty immensely. I try to provide it to those who have earned it, and I hope to be worthy of it back. But I will stop very far from expecting friends to cancel themselves right along with me.

When a bunch of drama kicked off around me last month, I felt terrible for inadvertently bringing Lois into the middle of it. I felt terrible that my friend Anna got dragged into it as well. The only reason I eventually caved and started blocking the most rabid offenders was for their sakes, not mine.

I also received lots of messages from people who said they supported me and were sad to see what was happening and who were apologetic that they didn’t feel they could say anything publicly. I assured them all that was never something I wanted or needed. If I’ve chosen to start something, I can very well tough it out and deal with it. The very least I could ever expect of anyone I consider a friend is to not join in with the mob, even if they disagree with me, because I would never do that to them. There, I was sadly disappointed by a few.

But the point is that the last thing I would expect, much less demand of someone, especially if they don’t see eye-to-eye with me but like me as a person anyway, is to sacrifice themselves along with me.

I have a friend who is a great example of this. Her takes can be very provocative and she stirs up a lot of controversy. But she owns it. She doesn’t demand other people come to her aid or defense, and she is greatly concerned about blowback on others who are associated with her.

But I know someone else who also comes out with very radical and extreme takes, takes that prompt anger and disgust among thousands of people and that have blown back on anyone who has ever associated with him.

Now—guilt by association is wrong and I have no respect for anyone who does it.

At the same time, I think that if what you’re putting out there is causing people who have been kind and respectful to you to get burned, especially if they are people who have put their necks on the line for you in the past, you do owe it to them to be mindful of that.

Unfortunately, this person seems entitled to the sacrifice of others. In fact, instead of choosing to back down a bit and let things cool off for their sakes, he gets upset that they haven’t come to his aid.

I am not okay with that.

In my perfect world, mobs don’t try to cancel people through guilt by association. But this is the real world, and it happens, and even if it’s unfair, your actions might blow back on more people than just you. That’s an important thing to consider before you double down and try to involve others.

Some truths are absolutely worth pursuing at almost any cost, of course. Nothing, for example, will get me to stop speaking out against gender ideology. But as I’ve said before, I’ve informed my family that they are allowed to denounce me. I made the choice to get involved in this, not them. If things ever got bad enough that they felt they had to distance themselves from me, I wouldn’t envy their position.

I feel the same way about any other controversial takes and unpopular opinions put out by myself or others.

Own your controversial opinions. Be grateful for those who stick by you. Cherish those who do so publicly. But don’t expect people to cancel themselves for you over a controversy they never asked to be a part of.