How Activism Can Turn People into Means

Automat, Edward Hopper (1927)

Recently, I had the unpleasant but very strong suspicion that someone I thought was a friend was just using me. Now, most things aren’t black and white, and I’m sure there were feelings of genuine friendship there, but I can’t shake the feeling that I am seen more as someone who they could use to further their own interests. As I have now spent more than a year either pregnant or caring for a young baby and therefore haven’t had the opportunity to be all that useful, I got to see another, much more impatient and demanding side of that person.

It’s not that I am upset for myself. I am more mildly annoyed, if anything. But it does disappoint me that this is something you can and probably should expect when taking part in activism and advocacy, and perhaps I have been a little naive and idealistic in this regard. If there is one sincerely held belief that I know I actually live my life by, it’s that people are not a means to an end. Everyone I choose to have a relationship with has value to me that begins and ends in themselves, not in their capacity to do something for me. As I’ve said before, I don’t want allies, I want friends.

Yes, there are people I have met through activism. Most of my current friends came about that way, but the cause is always secondary to the friendship. We became friends who then might do activism and advocacy together because it’s something we both care about, but our primary interest became building and maintaining a good relationship with one another.

And don’t get me wrong: through activism, I have also met people I admire and even some people with relatively high profiles. Obviously, this was exciting to me! I am not immune to feeling starstruck, and I have gushed about why I’m glad I met my heroes. But meeting these people, making these connections, and building these friendships has never been about how I can use them. If I’ve ever been excited to meet someone, it’s because I sincerely think they are an amazing person who I want to get to know. Simply getting to know someone who I look up to is valuable to me in and of itself. I have no interest in using anyone to further my personal causes.

Now, I have been able to have my voice heard politically on trans issues, but my ethos on relationships is summed up in the fact that I never have a proper answer to the question, “How did you do it?” because I don’t feel like I actively did anything. I think people asking this question expect me to say that I was relentless in making phone calls or e-mails, or that I got someone to introduce me to someone else, or other actions of that nature. But I feel like all I did was write and make myself available to anyone who wanted to move forward on this issue. If someone else also wants to take it up and is interested in collaborating, then I am ready, always. But the idea of imploring someone to care if they don’t already have the intrinsic motivation to act on it is completely unappealing to me.

I actually make a pretty terrible activist. I have no desire to push people to do things, even if it’s things I really want. To me, the best relationships born out of activism are when people see each other as two worthwhile human beings of equal value who, in a happy happenstance, can do something together about a cause they care about, rather than as stepping stones to greater things and more influential people. That’s why this one instance where I do feel like I’ve been used as a stepping stone has been bothering me.

But, at the end of the day, how lucky am I to be able to say that it has only happened once? Sure, it made me think, but to engage in much self-pity would feel like ingratitude in the face of the relationships I have been blessed with. Part of the reason I’ve been somewhat naive and idealistic up until now is because the people I have met through my advocacy have, by and large, turned out to be real, genuine, and incredible friends. These relationships are what I wrote about nearly a year ago when I was overcome with gratitude for the people in my life:

I’m not going to change the world, but I can try to make a difference in the way people do for me—in a way that hopefully lets them know they are valued. And the extra energy that is inevitably created from that exchange will go toward fighting the good fight, like it always has.

[…]

So, what I really want to say is thank you to everyone who gives me the time of day because even that, to me, is everything. For a moment, you expand your world, which is no doubt full and demanding your attention from every corner, to include me. I feel grateful every time because I’ll never feel entitled to it. It means more than you will ever know.

In my own experience, at least, being used is the rare exception, not the rule. So many other people have made me feel that they value me for me and not for what I might be able to do for them. I suppose it doesn't really come down to activism at all but rather to how willing someone is to use another person for their own gain (though I also suspect these types may be overrepresented among activists).

At least the one good thing that's come from being a new mom is that, in some ways, it's made it easier to see who truly values me for me now that I've become a little less useful.